I Know the Plans I Have Made For You...

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I have a thousand thoughts running through my mind...this has been one of the toughest weeks I can remember in a very long time. Over and over in my head though I can hear this bible verse...giving me hope. Hope for our future, hope for a precious little ones future.

On New Years Eve at approximately 6:30 pm we received the call we have been waiting on for almost a year-CCAI Denver, Colorado. I about fainted...this really was happening on NYE!!!?? Such a sweet, sweet surprise! The call was about an 18 month little girl living in a foster home in China with bilateral clubfeet who needed a mommy and daddy. Nick and I had a few friends over so we didn't look at her file right away. The friends quickly scurried along knowing how anxious we were to get to the computer. Once we put the boys to bed and prayed we opened up the file to a face I will not likely forget. Our prayer has been for a long time now that we would just "know" without a doubt that when we received a file she was ours. And we did know...she is the most precious little thing I have dreamed of seeing for years. She is so full of life and healthy with these chunky little cheeks I could eat for dinner. Not your normal referral pictures by any means...at least not what we expected. Happy, healthy, and thriving! Her developmental milestones looked great and even her little feet looked pretty good. She was ours if the dr. said yes...we both agreed instantly. I spent the next hours of NYE texting and calling those closest to us with the amazing news that on NYE we were given our little girl.

I don't think I slept a wink that night....such excitement. We spent the next morning looking at her pictures and doing research on clubfeet. Ethan even got his crib converted in anticipation of this sweet little girl coming home. I sent her file to a dr. in Michigan for review praying that even though it was New Year's Day we would get a response...an all clear. Several hours later, that dr. called and told us news I wouldn't accept with just one phone call. News that her condition was more severe than we ever could have imagined. I got off the phone in tears, but refusing to believe she could really know what she was talking about. I researched and researched and researched some more...I was finding that all what the dr. said was quite possible, but I still couldn't imagine that she wasn't ours. In the hours that followed I forced myself away from her pictures and research to enjoy my family on New Year's Day, but this great ache would not leave. I held on hope that the next day would bring better news from our boy's pediatrician and another physician out of Cincinnati who we had contacted to review her file. The next day and the day after revealed the same prognosis. This sweet little girl has a significant spinal malformation that would require neurosurgery almost immediately upon her return home with a possible lifetime of complications, and indeed, her club feet are a result of neurological issues. Our heads knew we had never signed up for these kinds of needs, but our hearts were still saying yes. Wasn't she "the least of these" after all? We spent those grueling days crying and praying over her...feeling selfish if we said no, but knowing we would also be selfish if we said yes. We were reminded by several of the physicians we needed to consider how this would impact our current family-our 2 year old and 4 year old, our marriage, and our finances. To me at the time, those considerations also felt selfish. There was a little girl who we felt like we were given for a reason that needed help maybe more than any others...how could we walk away? Plus we were already in love, planning her homecoming. I think when we left our trusted pediatricians office we knew that we couldn't say yes...but actually saying it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am thankful for those other adoptive mom's who counseled me on this road they have walked before me. No one should have to say no to a file, but I am thankful for those who have gone through it and could remind me that there is a family for her, that the information we uncovered can be used to help her and that family, that our girl is out there and soon we will have no doubts. Though even knowing all of that I can't say that I feel better. It sucks...totally sucks...there is no other way to say it. Although I have deleted her file and all her pictures I can't get her face out of my head. On top of the emotional heartache, I was plagued with the stomach flu...so I can pretty confidently say our New Year's went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. But through it all we are reminded of God's promises for us and for that little one who we love.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11